This isn’t one of my normal posts. I’m not going to talk about anything bookish. It’s just an honest talk about something I want to say. If you’re not into serious, dark topics, this post might not be for you.
If you couldn’t already tell by the title, I will be talking about boredom, music, and depression.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with boredom. I feel like everyone in their life struggled with boredom at least once. However, for me, it’s a constant battle. My attention span is close to nothing on a good day. Most of the time, during classes, I look like I’m listening to the teacher when in reality, I’m spacing out, thinking about how drinking blood could actually support a vampire. My conclusion: it can’t. Maybe that’s why vampires are just a myth. Or are they?
I’m getting sidetracked. Anyway, recently I’ve been too busy to be bored. It was a temporary solution. I kept myself busy so I didn’t have free time, which would have eventually lead to boredom. However, it took a toll on my body and mind. For the past two years, whenever I arrived home, I would pass out on my bed because I was so dang tired. I do not suggest overworking yourself just so you don’t feel the claws of boredom.
The reason I avoid being bored so much is because I start to panic when I’m bored. I always feel like I need to be doing something, and when I’m not, it makes me so anxious. There were times when I was younger that I was close to a panic attack just because I was bored. I don’t know why my mind does this. To avoid the excess levels of anxiety and panic, I’ve done some borderline dangerous things to keep my mind occupied.
Now that I’ve been experiencing this for a while now, I’ve made sure I turned my boredom into something healthy. Like blogging, for example. Blogging doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s nice to create something that other people find joy in. Also, I get to talk about what I love the most after my family and food: books. It’s a win-win situation.
Another solution to boredom is music. Learning an instrument is difficult, and I think that’s one of the reasons why my parents signed me up for music lessons so early in my lifetime. It was to keep me from being bored. In addition, it’s also a gift to create music. It took me many years to discover this. I quit playing the piano after six years to swap it with the cello. It was after three years of cello when I realized what a priceless gift music was. Nine years. It took me nine years to realize what was right in front of me. This was around the time when my depression was at its lowest point. Music is what got me through it. Music was the light on the other side of the tunnel.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle. Whenever I was bored during my depression, I was thinking about all the ways I could kill myself. It’s not an easy thing to admit. It’s terrifying to think back on how much I didn’t want to live.
I used to act like I was okay. Even though I hid myself behind a mask, I still wanted someone to notice that I wasn’t okay. That I needed help. Except apparently I was good hiding my true feelings. No one noticed. And that depressed me further. So I turned to music. The outcome directly correlates with the amount of effort you put into music. Music is an emotional outlet. I let my pain go through music. After I was done playing, it felt as though I cleansed my heart from the darkness it was filled with. It was also rewarding to create something that brought joy to others. By bringing joy to others, I was bringing joy to myself. The people who listened to me play might not remember me in five years, but they’ll remember how my music made them feel. And that is all I want. I want to bring lasting joy to others.
The reason I wrote this post is because, funny enough, I was bored. And I was about to panic because I wasn’t doing anything. It shows how much this blog really helps me mentally. Once every couple months, I just get into a really somber and dark mood. During these times I like to write about my dark thoughts. It helps me get them off my chest. Most of the time, I would write them down in a notebook, but I decided to change it up and write my thoughts online this time.
I don’t know. It’s refreshing to admit this to people. I was so used to hiding my true feelings back when I had depression. It’s freeing to be able to talk about it with others. If you’re going through a tough time, I hope this post somehow made you feel a little better inside. You’re not alone, and there are always people there for you, despite what you might think. The mind can be a tricky little bastard. Fight it. You are strong. You are loved. And above all, love yourself. There’s only one of you in this world, and it’s a gift to have you here.
Until next time….